I cannot tell you how many times when I was growing up I would hear “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry for!” Well, hot damn! After you’ve fallen and had glass embedded in your hand at the age of 9, just had your hind end beat with a belt or been molested by an uncle who lives at your house, who the hell doesn’t have something to cry for. These are just a few examples of the dysfunctional dynamics of my childhood home. So, when I figured out I could put my feeling to pen and paper, out they came.
It took a few years to actually express how I really felt, because of all the confusion I had surrounding my feelings. I didn’t know how to express them appropriately. So crying was my outlet for anger, resentment, hate, anguish, sadness, love, anything positive or negative.
Back in 2001 I wrote a little ditty called “It’s Ok if I Cry”. I was still trying to come to terms with being ok to cry and that it was not a weakness.
By the way, the little girl inside of me that you will read of so much in my poetry, has healed nicely today. The person she gets to lean on and depend on to protect her, grown up me.
It's Ok if I Cry There are times I sit and wonder why I'm the chosen one To bear the physical hardships For someone who's so young I'm told that I am strong and I'm lucky to be alive I smile and nod in agreement If they could only see inside Sometimes I feel like a little girl needing someone to hold me near Someone to lovingly stroke my hair and help ease away my fears Someone who'll say, it's ok to cry "as much as you need to dear" Someone who will not leave me alone in my darkness and my fears Someone who will not say "Don't cry" Or say, "Please don't be sad" They will not say how brave I am or that things aren't all that bad Sometimes I feel not all grown up I still have a little girl inside Who fears what she does not understand And sometimes she just needs to cry.
Aleta’s Attic 
Great that you are blogging as an outlet. I found it to be a lifesaver for writing about things I can’t really talk about with any real person in my life. I am very sorry to hear you have had such hard experiences in childhood, but also glad to hear you feel you have healed a lot. Looking forward to reading more from you. 🙂 Take care. ⚘
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Thank you. I appreciate your incite and I enjoy reading how you are dealing with your feelings. Even though it has been years since I’ve been in a toxic relationship, I’m still dealing with the fallout from those I was in (and there were plenty) starting with my mother. She taught me that it was the norm to be in toxic relationships and to be treated like shit. I had to discover on my own that it was not, and that I was worthy with or without a partner. So, so many dynamics that go into a fucked up relationship. I’m so happy you are here to read and write about it with me.
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I am sorry that you were in several toxic relationships. How strong of you to survive that. I have only had one such relationship and there were times I didn’t know if I’d make it out alive. Not that there was any physical abuse, but that my mind was almost completely broken down by mind games. So I believe I was lucky in that I had several “normal” relationships before this one. I wish you continued healing and that you get to have healthy relationships in future. Be well. ⚘
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Thank you friend. I am a firm believer that everyone has their own journey in life. For whatever reason, these were mine to experience. It’s done now. I know the warning signs. I’m not that same naive, needy codependent person I was in the past. Our experiences are there for us to grow and learn from. I too wish you continued healing in your present relationship. You already know what the healthiest and kindest thing that you can do for yourself is. Lean on your friends.
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