Saging be damned…My heart took over

Well, I spent a good part of the morning writing about the saging process of my home, why I do it and the benefits…. and I lost it.  It’s somewhere out there in WordPress Land.  Maybe someday it’ll find it’s way back home to me. I wanted something a little lighter, less dark to talk about after saging.

In the meantime, I’m having a brain-fart…. so, I’m going to just add a piece I wrote, back in 1999.  It’s upbeat, unlike most of my dark, deep stuff.  Needless to say,  I was in a really good space when I wrote this for a friend who was not.

author unknown

My Heart Says...

I come to you now
with my heart on my sleeve
Re-membering it's ok
I just have to believe

I feel such a sadness
for those I can't help
I can, but I can't
without hurting myself

The choices are many
but seem like so few
And I know in these times
it's hard to know what to do

The path you have taken
seems rocky and bare
and sometimes it appears
you are all alone there

Lie your head to your soul
and listen real close
The answer will be
the one you "feel" most

When you look to your heart
to find what is true
You live in God's plan
and what is right for you.

Depression… it’s not just for your Aunt Edna anymore

Let’s talk about depression. Such a nasty word D-e-p–r-e-s-s-i-o-n. Yes, I said it. DEPRESSION. It’s out there folks, alive and well and doing its dirty deed with anyone who happens to have to live in it’s grips. It’s absolutely horrible to live with. It’s debilitating. While in it, it makes you feel like you are less than nothing. To be honest with you, there are no words to describe the hell a person goes through when they are in it’s clutches. But make no mistake, it’s as real as the nose on your face. I know because I live with it. It creeps up like a thief in the night and grabs hold when one least expects it.

What are the triggers? I am still trying to figure mine out by paying attention. Hopefully, this will lessen the attacks, the severity and the length of time that the depression lasts. Yup, I’m a work in progress.

Maybe the following work that I wrote back in 1999, might enlighten some as to the depth of how this affects us.

courtesy of xymonau at rgbstock.com

Depression

Shadows, deep in the shadows
That's where I live
It's hard to see
More difficult to give

Empty, so empty
But full of pain
I wonder if I
Can start living again

Tears, so many tears
Of confusion and doubt
Don't know how I came in
Or how to get out

Sorrow, such sorrow
For the loss of most
Forgiveness of self
Is but a ghost

Regret, deep regret
For what I have done
Discarded by many
And lived in by some

Lonely, oh so lonely
But surrounded by all
I live in a pit
Where I cannot fall

Despair, desperate despair
I'm locked in a room
And lost in my world
Of impending doom

It’s my journey and I’ll cry if I want to

I cannot tell you how many times when I was growing up I would hear “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry for!” Well, hot damn!  After you’ve fallen and had glass embedded in your hand at the age of 9, just had your hind end beat with a belt or been molested by an uncle who lives at your house, who the hell doesn’t have something to cry for.  These are just a few examples of the dysfunctional dynamics of my childhood home.  So, when I figured out I could put my feeling to pen and paper, out they came.

It took a few years to actually express how I really felt, because of all the confusion I had surrounding my feelings. I didn’t know how to express them appropriately. So crying was my outlet for anger, resentment, hate, anguish, sadness, love, anything positive or negative.

Back in 2001 I wrote a little ditty  called “It’s Ok if I Cry”.  I was still trying to come to terms with being ok to cry and that it was not a weakness.

By the way, the little girl inside of me that you will read of so much in my poetry, has healed nicely today. The person she gets to lean on and depend on to protect her, grown up me.

My oldest grandson, Alec, as a baby

It's Ok if I Cry

There are times I sit and wonder
why I'm the chosen one
To bear the physical hardships
For someone who's so young

I'm told that I am strong
and I'm lucky to be alive
I smile and nod in agreement
If they could only see inside

Sometimes I feel like a little girl 
needing someone to hold me near
Someone to lovingly stroke my hair
and help ease away my fears

Someone who'll say, it's ok to cry
"as much as you need to dear"
Someone who will not leave me alone
in my darkness and my fears

Someone who will not say "Don't cry"
Or say, "Please don't be sad"
They will not say how brave I am
or that things aren't all that bad

Sometimes I feel not all grown up
I still have a little girl inside
 Who fears what she does not understand
And sometimes she just needs to cry.